smotherplucker(aka feelingsstuffer)

hey there,

I've missed you guys as I've been working through all the steps of grief over the election and subsequent descent into Hades, oops, new administration.  Anyway, for Lent, I am giving up wine and swearing, so I have time to fill and a need to practice using words that don't rhyme with smotherplucker.

This has been a whole lot of year for me. I left a job I loved for a new job I love. My children grew. We added a puppy to our lives and all kinds of life things happened that happen to all of us. We had good luck and bad luck and happy days and sad days. It's been a growth year, though. I learned some things, like sometimes I put on a happy face when I don't feel super happy and I stuff my unhappy thoughts way down deep so I don't have to deal with them and I show the happy side. To put it succinctly, I'm a feelingsstuffer.

I was listening to a story on the radio ( http://www.radiolab.org/story/lu-vs-soo/ ) about two women who were traveling across country and one of them was a "live and let live," non-confrontational, mellow kind of person--the way  many people seem to see me. The other one might be called a truth-teller. She let her feelings be known and she had high expectations of people and she told them when their actions didn't meet her expectations. The one who was more truthful was presented in a negative light because people didn't always want to hear her truths, or agree with them. However, the laid-back woman really admired her, because she felt like it was more honest and more hopeful to tell people when they fail you, because it gives them a chance to improve themselves. Listening to it, I was reminded how God(or the Universe or whatever you believe)gives you opportunities to examine your issues objectively by letting you see them from the outside in. I really commiserated with the woman who just let things happen because she didn't want to cause a ruckus or upset anyone or ruffle feathers. Believe me, I know it's the easiest way to get through life, but it doesn't always feel honest.

I used to do things differently. I used to be angry and abrasive and oh, so right about everything. I still get that way when I am feeling indignant, or that I have the moral high ground. But everything else, I have stopped arguing over. Retail is a big culprit. People do not want to buy things from people who want to argue with them about everything. Being the mother of five is part of it, because when you live in a house with 7 people, one more argument could be the tipping point to riot. Getting older is part of it, because I have mellowed a little and I am more introspective. But I am afraid that a diminished self-confidence is part of it, too. I don't feel like I am where I should be in my life. I don't look the way I want to look. I have made choices and taken positions I know not everyone agrees with and it makes me feel, and part of this whole thing is about not feeling.

There is a lot of fear, too, because I am afraid that when I unpack that big old cedar chest of feelings, they are going to come out in one big jumbled mess. No moth holes, no faded shades(cedar is a miracle). These will be fully-formed, brightly-colored feelings of intensity. That intensity has worked against me in the past, which is why it all got tumbled away. And I feel very divided about whether or not I pull it all out and deal with all the overwhelming feelingness of it or I keep it locked up, pulling out a scrap here and there when I need to call Scott Pruitt at the EPA and tell him that the climate is a cockadoody* disaster and he needs to get his head out of his keister* and learn about the effect of carbon dioxide on everything, including--I believe--the number of brain cells in his coal-addled noggin, but I digress.

On the other hand, what is wrong with presenting the world with the best of yourself? I am a glass half-full person by nature.  Maybe my cheerful, easygoing self isn't the brightest coat of many colors, but it's got a certain je ne sais quoi. We all look better in soft lighting, right?

There is no ending to this tale. It will be the story of the rest of my life. Sometimes I will try unpacking my feelings and it will probably go badly because they don't see the light of day very often, so try not to judge me too harshly. Sometimes, I will be cheerful when no one else is. Consider it part of my charm. Please know that I love all of my friends and I accept you for who you are and that is the truth, no faking there.

Sending you good wishes and good feelings, because that's what I do.

Love,
Corks

*Lenten bad words