You better.

Hey loves,

"Sometimes when I'm scared, I get furious." Our all-around-wacky and weirdly-wise 5-year-old said that.

Yeah. I'm furious a little too often so I guess that means I'm...


scared.

And when I'm scared I feel really small. And then I act really small. 



Often I HAVE AN ALL CAPS MOMENT and I get really loud and really scary and sometimes I get my way. But I'm still scared.

The number one thing I'm scared of is that I won't be heard.
Because if I'm not heard, no one knows who I am. And I guess I want to be known. 
I mean, don't we all? Even the quiet, the meek, the shy want to be known, 
not just the ALL CAPS people, like me. 


The question that begs to be answered then, is "how can I be known without it coming from a place of fear?" 

Like, how can I be brave enough to accept that I am known even though I am not the skinniest?

How can I be known even though I haven't reached my career goals(that's a big one for me)--it makes me feel very small.

How can I be known if I'm not the most fun, most empathetic, most intelligent? 

How can I be me and it's okay? 

There is God, who loves me, I hope. I try to be firm in God's love, but I'm so wretched sometimes that I feel like God says "Oy vey, this one."  And there's my mom, who definitely thinks I'm great(although I am not attentive enough--I know, Mom, I'm trying). I guess the hubs loves me, I mean we're coming up on 25 years next month. And there's my BFF who loves me, even though she's known me since I was 12 and let's just say I was a very, uh, challenging teenager. And I have so many wonderful friends and family who know me, and I assume, like me. I'm pretty sure my children love me, because it's required. They don't always like me, but that's not required.

And then there's me. Do I like me? Kind of. I think I can be funny and I'm smart enough, but I'm kind of a bitch and I sometimes make ridiculous choices and I'm truly, truly mistake-prone. Like, I make lots of big mistakes. And then I feel diminished and scared and you know, small.

Wow. Seems like that's a cycle. 

I guess I've got an idea of where to start. How, though? The challenge of my life is: I'm a GO BIG OR GO HOME kind of girl. If I can't be the best, I don't want to play.  So if I can't be the smartest, I'll be the funniest and if I can't be the funniest, then I'll be the most passionate and if can't be the most passionate, then I don't care. It's all about that -EST.

I need to do better.
Better has never been a destination for me.

It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try to moderate. Kinder, not kindest. More patient, not the most. More engaged, not all in, all the time. More faithful, not Mother Teresa. Remind me, when I look overwrought, that's it's better, not best. I'll be glad to remind you, too, because I want you to do better, too. That's where we start: doing better. I don't mean we need to improve. I mean, instead of BEING the best, we just need to DO better. IF we DO better, there's no fear of the failure of BEST. And no fear is so much better.

Let's do better together.

Love,
Corks

PS le mieux est l'ennemi du bien. (perfect is the enemy of good). Voltaire