The Crotchety Persons' Road Guide

Hello loves,

Well, I have been a busy girl this summer. I changed jobs, dealt with some health issues, and got to drive the length and breadth of the entire state of Alabama while training.

Since I drove 1000+ miles in August, I have seen some things. I feel like we need some rules.

1. A mattress on top of a car is never a good idea. A mattress on top of a car on an interstate is always a bad idea--many new mattresses on the side of the road. (Collecting a mattress off the side of the road? Also a bad idea, just sayin').

2. Stay in one lane if you're riding a motorcycle, not on the line between two. Also, just stay away from me(Cerulean Rav-4), it's too stressful for me. I am constantly worried that I'm going to squash your head like an errant watermelon.

3. Speaking of watermelons, I will stop at your farmstand if you give me fair warning. Maybe you don't want tourists, but a handpainted sign 250 yards in front of your corner is not enough. I need a mile, with a half mile reminder. The last sign needs parking directions. I don't want to park on someone's lawn and get shot. Ditto for antiques and jams and jellies and pickles.

4. If you know you have bad tires or an unreliable car, don't drive 80 in the left lane. Duh.

5. If you're going to smoke, don't throw your cigarette out the window. Gross. If you don't like the smell of cigarettes in your car, buy some nicotine gum.

6. If you are driving a semi and you want to change lanes, use your blinker. You have a sign on the back of your trailer that says "if you can't see my mirror, I can't see you." I'm assuming that means if we've made eye contact in your mirror, you do see me and merging into my car IS NOT COOL. Also, get rid of those naked lady silhouettes on your mudflaps. You are neither Smokey, nor the Bandit.

7. When I see a truck with a pair of testicles hanging from your trailer hitch, I assume those are yours and you had them surgically removed and bronzed for posterity. Why, I do not know, but nobody wants to see that. Calvin peeing on anything is so 90's and why do you need 17 Realtree stickers on the back of your car?

Also, regarding trucks, why do you bother to buy the camouflage package when you have no muffler and a jet engine? The animals know you're coming from three counties away. I guess it's easier when the black smoke you're belching is making the doves just fall in to the truckbed.

8. When one is at a gas station, please turn down the radio. I don't blast "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" or "Fresh Air". I don't want you to accidentally learn something, I'll feel less superior. I am certain you don't want me to sing your song back to you, with my mom voice. Oh and PLEASE DO NOT SPIT WHERE I HAVE TO STAND TO PUMP MY GAS. There is nothing more foul. Your mother would be so disappointed. If you must, find some grass, or at the very least, spit in the trash can. **Once you are out of the 7th grade, no one is impressed by your ability to spit long distances.**

9. When everyone on the highway has stopped for an accident or roadwork and you drive up the shoulder and try to work your way into traffic, do not be visibly annoyed that no one will let you in. You are a jerk. Unless you have blue lights flashing, or a women who is breathing through one-minute-apart contractions in your back seat, keep your pants on(btw, pregnant people, learn breathing techniques. If you find yourself in a weird labor situation, you'll thank me).

10. Acknowledge roadway kindness! If some poor sap takes pity on you and your shoulder-driving ways and lets you in, wave. Smile even. It is the right thing to do.

My darlings, please send me all the rules you would like to add. We'll call it the "Crotchety Persons' Road Guide."

All the love,
Corks