Y'all!
It's been so long: a year since I have written anything. I am trying to think back to what I was doing, and it was everything and nothing. Intentionality went out the window this year, because I was just trying to keep my head above water. I existed. The nicest thing I could say is that 2019 was a learning year. I learned all kinds of things, like:
1. Not everyone is going to like me. Not even if I am good. Not even if I bend over backwards trying to prove how good I am. Apparently, this is the lesson of my life that I have to relearn and relearn until I finally let go of other people's perceptions and embrace myself. Brené Brown says, "our sense of belonging can never be greater than our sense of self-acceptance." Yikes. That's a toughy.
2. I am a hell of a worker. I can work and work and work forever, until I have weird freak out meltdown that reinforces the perceptions of the people that weren't going to like me anyway(see above). Busy has been my mantra and my motto and my mission statement and my core value and all the other things for a number of decades now, and I am kind of over it. I need to find a space where I can just be. ***Somebody remind me of this when I am saying "yes" to whatever I have been asked to do. Of course, there are things I want to do, I just can't do them all.***
3. I can't save anybody. I want to save everybody, but I am neither equipped to save them, nor is it my job. But I want to save them sooooo badly. If only everyone would listen to my sage advice all the time. GEEZ.
4. I have reached the point that I am old when it comes to technology. I will not be the TikTok dancing mom. Snapchat has left me behind. I will Instagram until my fingers bleed, and Words with Friends is my part-time job, but learning new things is hard. I am always going to be about 6 months-a year behind and I am the butt of my children's jokes, which is, I suppose, an appropriate role for me(and I am still going to play the victim when they tease me, because I enjoy torturing them in small ways, not just big ones).
5. Creativity enhances my life. Nothing I make is really excellent(e.g., this blog post), but the joy is in the practice, not the result. Ok, sometimes it is about the result and if I let my perfectionism get involved, it's all about the thing I have created. The lesson I really tried to learn this year is to let go of the power of the thing, and enjoy the practice. Really, really tried to learn that lesson, and still really concerned with the results, if I'm honest. So, like relearning that not everyone will like me, also relearning that practicing is the goal, and perfection is not the end game. THE HARDEST LESSON.
What was your learning from 2019? Did you have a good year? Send me your wisest thoughts and practices. I need them.
Love,
Corks
PS I missed you guys. I am going to try to write to you more often.
Monday, January 6, 2020
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
You did it!
Happy New Year, my hearts!
It is January 1, and I was going to construct a vision board, but it was becoming too much pressure. Where would I get my pictures? My words? What do I want anyway? Am I ever intentional?
My lack of intention became a rabbit hole down which I lost hours and which took hours to escape.
Then I was going to take an online class about my Inner Warrior, which I may still do, but I can't print off the instructional material because we have no magenta ink(can't even print in black and white, because buying printer ink is a Ponzi scheme). The instruction was to decide to commit to being the "shu," the follower, so drawing my own "shu" card isn't good enough to stick in my shoe for one day(that's the instruction). I have to put off engaging my Inner Warrior one more day until I can get magenta and cyan ink, (because where magenta goes, cyan is quick to follow).
I set my sights on resolutions. Resolutions are hard for me because I have that weird form of perfectionism that makes my inner voice say "You are not doing this right. You will never do this right. If you can't do it well, don't do it." My inner voice is kind of a bastard. For me, resolutions are an exercise in fatalism and failure. One poor attempt at change and I fall apart.
To remedy all of these quirks, I bought a planner and I wrote all of my good intentions out for the month. Get up and dress my Inner Warrior at 6 AM. Cool down with yoga for relaxation at 8PM, followed by journaling to discover my truths, so that next year, my vision board will make itself. I'm already regretting putting it all in there. Now it's recorded for me to fail to complete or to cross out in shame or to pretend to do, but really half-ass it. I did buy my favorite pens and used my best penmanship, so I've got that going for me. I have cute stickers to add to it, and goodness knows I can fill the days with all of the things I do in a day, or a week, or a month, but most likely I will only see the sad reminders of what I haven't completed.
It occurs to me that I don't need to write a "TO DO" list. I need to pen a "YOU DID IT" list. If I list my accomplishments, no matter how mundane, maybe I won't see the failure in every attempt, but all of the attempts.
It seems too easy. I guess I will add that to my gorgeous new planner pages. Like this:
Hope you are feeling excited about all of the possibilities in the New Year, but not making yourself sick over them. Let's just be kind to ourselves and each other. We are doing the best that we can, when we can.
Love,
Corks
It is January 1, and I was going to construct a vision board, but it was becoming too much pressure. Where would I get my pictures? My words? What do I want anyway? Am I ever intentional?
My lack of intention became a rabbit hole down which I lost hours and which took hours to escape.
Then I was going to take an online class about my Inner Warrior, which I may still do, but I can't print off the instructional material because we have no magenta ink(can't even print in black and white, because buying printer ink is a Ponzi scheme). The instruction was to decide to commit to being the "shu," the follower, so drawing my own "shu" card isn't good enough to stick in my shoe for one day(that's the instruction). I have to put off engaging my Inner Warrior one more day until I can get magenta and cyan ink, (because where magenta goes, cyan is quick to follow).
I set my sights on resolutions. Resolutions are hard for me because I have that weird form of perfectionism that makes my inner voice say "You are not doing this right. You will never do this right. If you can't do it well, don't do it." My inner voice is kind of a bastard. For me, resolutions are an exercise in fatalism and failure. One poor attempt at change and I fall apart.
It occurs to me that I don't need to write a "TO DO" list. I need to pen a "YOU DID IT" list. If I list my accomplishments, no matter how mundane, maybe I won't see the failure in every attempt, but all of the attempts.
It seems too easy. I guess I will add that to my gorgeous new planner pages. Like this:
Hope you are feeling excited about all of the possibilities in the New Year, but not making yourself sick over them. Let's just be kind to ourselves and each other. We are doing the best that we can, when we can.
Love,
Corks
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
What's the story?
Oh HELLO!!!
It has been a while, my loves. I have been focusing on my mental health, because Trump. I can't even. ANYWAY, I digress, on to more hopeful things.
I love flowers. When I was 4, my parents took me to pick up my first dog. She was a fluffy gray Old English/Black Lab mix. My dad told me I needed to think long and hard about the most perfect name for her. After several seconds of deep preschool contemplation, I chose "Tulip." At the time, tulips were my favorite flower. Since, we have lived with pets named Daffodil, Marigold, and Pepper Daisy. Also, a daughter nicknamed Lily. I would also have a daughter called Poppy, but the men in my family are not whimsical enough.
Flowers are my thing. I love to get up close and peer into their little flower hearts. Stripey pansy faces, layer upon layer of camellia blossoms, the white, fragrant trumpets of jasmine in Spring make my heart full. My favorites, though, might be humble morning glories. They persevere through brutal Southern Summer by closing themselves down tight in the hottest hot of the afternoon, only to regale themselves of the dewy morning crispness(if 78 and 85% humidity is crisp) by casting the sun's rays back to her from their bright, tear-dropped trumpets. They make me wax poetic.
I threw some morning glory seeds in front of our fence about 10 years ago and they have flourished! Every year, they find a new place to spread--this year it was the camellia--and we have to remove them to keep them from taking over the garden, à la kudzu. But they grow back along the fence early every Summer and die back sometime between late September and late October. This morning, they greeted me like this:
The big bustle of beauty at the top of the fence is show-stopping, but the flower that caught my eye was the one down toward the bottom. If I were a morning glory, I would be that one. I feel like I am always far from where I want to be. Personal growth is really hard for me. I start out at the top of my game, with makeup on and my hair done, but after a while, I desperately need to shut down, pulling myself inward to muster my resources until it's my time to shine once more. I come back again and again, getting up to greet the day with my goals in mind and my face turned to the sun. I grow a little bit every day and I keep showing up, after some much needed quiet, just like that lone flower. We might make it to the top, we might not.
The glory is in the trying.
Keep finding the sun, friends.
Love,
Corks
Friday, June 8, 2018
Enough, loves.
Hey loves,
This week has been a doozy. We have lost a couple of our faves in the very saddest way to lose them. We do not get answers. There is no goodbye. Frankly, it sucks.
Me and mine, we have big feelings--high and low. Most of us, in my family, have lower lows than higher highs. It's our chemistry, our DNA, our birthright. We know what it feels like to be alone in a crowd. To feel like we are losing, even when we are winning. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Oftentimes, happiness is temporary. Terrible is the cloud the follows us from home to work, city to city, state to state. Seriously, it's like a Smiths' song come to life.
We keep living our lives. God helps. We are people of faith and church is often my personal respite.
Dogs help. If you've wondered about our family dog obsession, I think it's because you are never alone when you have a dog. Dogs have a way of comforting our deepest, saddest, innermost souls. Our house will never be without one. Or two. Or three. (Other people have other pets, but for us, it's dogs. Ok, and the occasional cat who wanders up on the patio.)
Doctors help. Friends help. Work helps. Sunshine helps. Exercise helps. Books help. Music helps. Driving helps. Shopping helps. A little wine helps. Instagram helps. Facebook helps. Just. Making. The. Effort. Helps.
We are not depressive, morose people on the outside. I mean, most of the time. We laugh. We make things. We cook. We celebrate. We love each other and other people. We also bicker and fight and make a general mess of things. We look regular.
We are regular.
So are you, if sometimes you feel like nothing ever goes your way and no one ever hears you. Also, if you just want to lie on your bed until you become a part of the sheets and never have to move or bathe or anything. Or if you push through the fog to go out and fake it for the world. All of us, in this world, know what heartbreak is in some way or another. We know how it feels not to feel loved(even when we are).
One of my kids went to drama camp this week. During the orientation, the number one question from the kids to the director was, "what if I mess up when we are performing?" The director's answer was my favorite thing ever. She said, "we say to each other, 'you are enough.'" When someone makes a mistake or forgets their lines or messes up, they say "you are enough."
YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
You are enough.
you are enough.
YoU aRe EnOuGh.
You are enough
I love you.
Corks
PS Get the help you need, if you can. Help a friend to get help, if you can.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
text: "home" to 741741 to speak to a crisis counselor
call: 1-800-273-8255
This week has been a doozy. We have lost a couple of our faves in the very saddest way to lose them. We do not get answers. There is no goodbye. Frankly, it sucks.
Me and mine, we have big feelings--high and low. Most of us, in my family, have lower lows than higher highs. It's our chemistry, our DNA, our birthright. We know what it feels like to be alone in a crowd. To feel like we are losing, even when we are winning. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Oftentimes, happiness is temporary. Terrible is the cloud the follows us from home to work, city to city, state to state. Seriously, it's like a Smiths' song come to life.
We keep living our lives. God helps. We are people of faith and church is often my personal respite.
Dogs help. If you've wondered about our family dog obsession, I think it's because you are never alone when you have a dog. Dogs have a way of comforting our deepest, saddest, innermost souls. Our house will never be without one. Or two. Or three. (Other people have other pets, but for us, it's dogs. Ok, and the occasional cat who wanders up on the patio.)
Doctors help. Friends help. Work helps. Sunshine helps. Exercise helps. Books help. Music helps. Driving helps. Shopping helps. A little wine helps. Instagram helps. Facebook helps. Just. Making. The. Effort. Helps.
We are not depressive, morose people on the outside. I mean, most of the time. We laugh. We make things. We cook. We celebrate. We love each other and other people. We also bicker and fight and make a general mess of things. We look regular.
We are regular.
So are you, if sometimes you feel like nothing ever goes your way and no one ever hears you. Also, if you just want to lie on your bed until you become a part of the sheets and never have to move or bathe or anything. Or if you push through the fog to go out and fake it for the world. All of us, in this world, know what heartbreak is in some way or another. We know how it feels not to feel loved(even when we are).
One of my kids went to drama camp this week. During the orientation, the number one question from the kids to the director was, "what if I mess up when we are performing?" The director's answer was my favorite thing ever. She said, "we say to each other, 'you are enough.'" When someone makes a mistake or forgets their lines or messes up, they say "you are enough."
YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.
You are enough.
you are enough.
YoU aRe EnOuGh.
You are enough
I love you.
Corks
PS Get the help you need, if you can. Help a friend to get help, if you can.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
text: "home" to 741741 to speak to a crisis counselor
call: 1-800-273-8255
Monday, April 23, 2018
You are so beautiful. To me.
Y'ALL.
I need to say this to you. To all of you.
You are not perfect. It is so okay.
If you know me, you know that I sell clothes to women. If you don't know me, well, I sell clothes to women. I am a professional salesperson. I love people, color, and fabric--not always in that order--so it is a job that suits me. I am also REALLY good at surprising people with what will look good on them and really honest when I think something doesn't suit them(I can be wrong. I'm looking at you, CZ, that polo dress).
Here's what I say when I think something looks good on a person:
"That looks great on you."
Here's what I say when I think we could find a better fit for a person:
"I think we can do better."
Both statements are true. I don't say either one unless I mean it. The funny thing is that woman always take me at face value when I tell them we can do better. They agree that something doesn't suit them. But--you know where I am going with this--they almost always ask "are you sure?" when something DOES LOOK AMAZING. It's kind of annoying.
How many times has a woman asked me "can you see how crepey, floppy, pale, loosey-goosey my arms are?" COUNTLESS.
"I was born with thick legs." I have heard this 1 BILLION times(feels like).
"If I was a pretty, young thing I could wear this." Seriously? If you don't have the confidence now, you wouldn't have had it then.
"I'm so disappointed in myself."
Ok, that's the one that makes me want to shake every. single. woman. who says it. Why are you so hard on yourself? Your figure is not up to the Mattel ideal, but that's because you are a real person, not a freak in a plastic box. You baked and it smelled so good that you ate an extra cookie(or five). You had some super fun evenings out and you ate great food with friends and family and you gained 7 pounds. You live in a house with a teenager and wine, cheese, and chocolate are truly the only things keeping you going. You had 5 kids and your stomach just can't ever go back to what it was when you were 15 and too self-conscious to appreciate it(there's another whole lesson in that). And it all happens to everyone at some time and some place because calories and gravity.
You have this body that is keeping you going, maybe not perfectly, maybe not swiftly.
If you are reading this you are alive, so that's something. Don't let a number on a tag or a scale define your worth. It doesn't matter. Do the things that make you healthy, but don't be obsessed with stretch marks, cellulite, or the elasticity of your arm skin. That's not healthy either. And because I used to sell clothes to tween girls, I can tell you that every word you say goes in their ears. They told me that their butts were too big, or they had thick ankles. And they were 8-14. That 6 years is tumultuous already, with hormones affecting everything from body hair to emotional stability. Those kids don't need to internalize your negative self image, because you and I both know how perfect they actually are. Just like their mommas.
To sum up, you are actually amazing. Everyone has something they don't like and cannot do anything about. Enjoy your life, make the choices that work for you. Finally, if I tell you something looks good on you, it looks good on you. Trust me, I'm a professional.
Love,
Corks
I need to say this to you. To all of you.
You are not perfect. It is so okay.
If you know me, you know that I sell clothes to women. If you don't know me, well, I sell clothes to women. I am a professional salesperson. I love people, color, and fabric--not always in that order--so it is a job that suits me. I am also REALLY good at surprising people with what will look good on them and really honest when I think something doesn't suit them(I can be wrong. I'm looking at you, CZ, that polo dress).
Here's what I say when I think something looks good on a person:
"That looks great on you."
Here's what I say when I think we could find a better fit for a person:
"I think we can do better."
Both statements are true. I don't say either one unless I mean it. The funny thing is that woman always take me at face value when I tell them we can do better. They agree that something doesn't suit them. But--you know where I am going with this--they almost always ask "are you sure?" when something DOES LOOK AMAZING. It's kind of annoying.
How many times has a woman asked me "can you see how crepey, floppy, pale, loosey-goosey my arms are?" COUNTLESS.
"I was born with thick legs." I have heard this 1 BILLION times(feels like).
"If I was a pretty, young thing I could wear this." Seriously? If you don't have the confidence now, you wouldn't have had it then.
"I'm so disappointed in myself."
Ok, that's the one that makes me want to shake every. single. woman. who says it. Why are you so hard on yourself? Your figure is not up to the Mattel ideal, but that's because you are a real person, not a freak in a plastic box. You baked and it smelled so good that you ate an extra cookie(or five). You had some super fun evenings out and you ate great food with friends and family and you gained 7 pounds. You live in a house with a teenager and wine, cheese, and chocolate are truly the only things keeping you going. You had 5 kids and your stomach just can't ever go back to what it was when you were 15 and too self-conscious to appreciate it(there's another whole lesson in that). And it all happens to everyone at some time and some place because calories and gravity.
You have this body that is keeping you going, maybe not perfectly, maybe not swiftly.
If you are reading this you are alive, so that's something. Don't let a number on a tag or a scale define your worth. It doesn't matter. Do the things that make you healthy, but don't be obsessed with stretch marks, cellulite, or the elasticity of your arm skin. That's not healthy either. And because I used to sell clothes to tween girls, I can tell you that every word you say goes in their ears. They told me that their butts were too big, or they had thick ankles. And they were 8-14. That 6 years is tumultuous already, with hormones affecting everything from body hair to emotional stability. Those kids don't need to internalize your negative self image, because you and I both know how perfect they actually are. Just like their mommas.
To sum up, you are actually amazing. Everyone has something they don't like and cannot do anything about. Enjoy your life, make the choices that work for you. Finally, if I tell you something looks good on you, it looks good on you. Trust me, I'm a professional.
Love,
Corks
Sunday, November 19, 2017
The Rules According to Corks
Happy almost Turkey Day,
It's that time of year to remember that retail workers are people, too. Chances are, there are fewer employees at each stop you make. That is the reality of our current business climate. You will have to wait in line. There is probably less inventory wherever you are shopping. Again, that is the reality of our current business climate. HOWEVER, I would bet $ to doughnuts that every retailer has some sort of online ordering in place in the store to help you get what you want. The brick and mortar stores need you to come in now more than ever to prove that we are still relevant and viable.
Here are my Holiday 2017 wishes for people out shopping for gifts:
1. Think before you click. Shopping online is easy, but the stores need your presence. Please travel to your local retailer to check out the feel of fabrics, the look of colors, and experience the toys or electronics you are hoping to give your loved ones. Our livelihood depends on you coming in. I know it's annoying to brave the crowds and the parking. That's why smart retailers will be putting all the emphasis on in-store experience and will have good smelling things, smiling faces, and treats. SO MUCH effort goes into making beautiful stores and finding friendly associates to ensure you enjoy your visit.
2. Please bring some extra patience and let some sweet, inexperienced person assist you to find whatever you need. They will have to ask questions. You will have to ask questions. Be encouraging. Share that holiday spirit. They will be more effective if they are not stressed. If you are impatient or rude, they will screw. it. up. Also, remember that they are sacrificing holiday parties and shopping and that second glass of eggnog so that they can stay late at work to clean up after the very last customer who tried every single item in the store on.
3. Have fun with your fellow shoppers! If someone takes the last red sweater, congratulate their good fortune. They might even let you have it--I have seen it happen. DO NOT run to get the very last one of an item that you overheard a child say she wants to buy for her best friend who recently had an organ transplant(true story). Your friendly neighborhood retailer will have a hard time thinking nice thoughts about you and will not forget when she changes companies and you shop there, too.
4. Make a list, but be flexible. Is your child really going to die if she doesn't get the latest Shopkins pineapple, Cabbage Patch Doll, or newest game console? Sometimes we are our own worst enemy when shopping. Think of disappointment as a growth opportunity. Just kidding, whatever they want will be available when it gets overordered in January, and it will be on sale, because most of the kids will have moved on to the next big thing. Give your kids a gift card and a raincheck, but be flexible because they will probably want to buy something completely different.
5. Smile--just freaking smile. You will feel better, the associates in stores will feel better. One angry, difficult customer can throw even the most tenured associate off her game. If you want great service, be a great customer. That being said, there are some jerky associates out there. If you don't get great service, don't buy anything, but do a find a store where you will be treated the way you want. $ speak volumes about the service. (Also, don't tell someone they are too dumb, fat, ugly, nice, smart to work in retail). And we cannot say "Merry Christmas" to every customer. If you say it to me, I will say it back, but I don't want to impose on someone who does not celebrate Christmas. "Happy Holidays" is a lovely greeting given by people who want to celebrate with you, regardless of what you believe. Try returning a kindness with a kindness.
6. Acknowledge good service. This won't be a surprise to you, but as a retail manager, I hear about every bad experience a customer has had in my store. So does corporate. Some people write amazingly angry letters every time they are inconvenienced, but the complimentary letters are much less common. If you have the opportunity to drop a quick email or phone call to corporate every time you leave a store and think "that was easy" or "that was fun" you would give so much hope to people who work really hard to do a sometimes thankless job.
Here are my commitments to you: I will solve every problem I can. I will coach my people until I can't speak. I will find a gift that works when I don't have what you came in for, and then I will gift wrap it for you. If there is a line at the register, I will tell you dumb jokes:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Holly.
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
I will sing carols with you. I will push your baby in a stroller while you try on clothes. I will give your dog all of my attention if you will please just bring your dog in the store(seriously, bring your dog in the store). I will fold and refold sweaters so that every customer gets to shop in a beautiful store. I will contract mesothelioma from fluffing one too many flocked trees--all for you.
Sending you all the Holiday happiness!
Love,
Corks
Monday, March 13, 2017
smotherplucker(aka feelingsstuffer)
hey there,
I've missed you guys as I've been working through all the steps of grief over the election and subsequentdescent into Hades, oops, new administration. Anyway, for Lent, I am giving up wine and swearing, so I have time to fill and a need to practice using words that don't rhyme with smotherplucker.
This has been a whole lot of year for me. I left a job I loved for a new job I love. My children grew. We added a puppy to our lives and all kinds of life things happened that happen to all of us. We had good luck and bad luck and happy days and sad days. It's been a growth year, though. I learned some things, like sometimes I put on a happy face when I don't feel super happy and I stuff my unhappy thoughts way down deep so I don't have to deal with them and I show the happy side. To put it succinctly, I'm a feelingsstuffer.
I was listening to a story on the radio ( http://www.radiolab.org/story/lu-vs-soo/ ) about two women who were traveling across country and one of them was a "live and let live," non-confrontational, mellow kind of person--the way many people seem to see me. The other one might be called a truth-teller. She let her feelings be known and she had high expectations of people and she told them when their actions didn't meet her expectations. The one who was more truthful was presented in a negative light because people didn't always want to hear her truths, or agree with them. However, the laid-back woman really admired her, because she felt like it was more honest and more hopeful to tell people when they fail you, because it gives them a chance to improve themselves. Listening to it, I was reminded how God(or the Universe or whatever you believe)gives you opportunities to examine your issues objectively by letting you see them from the outside in. I really commiserated with the woman who just let things happen because she didn't want to cause a ruckus or upset anyone or ruffle feathers. Believe me, I know it's the easiest way to get through life, but it doesn't always feel honest.
I used to do things differently. I used to be angry and abrasive and oh, so right about everything. I still get that way when I am feeling indignant, or that I have the moral high ground. But everything else, I have stopped arguing over. Retail is a big culprit. People do not want to buy things from people who want to argue with them about everything. Being the mother of five is part of it, because when you live in a house with 7 people, one more argument could be the tipping point to riot. Getting older is part of it, because I have mellowed a little and I am more introspective. But I am afraid that a diminished self-confidence is part of it, too. I don't feel like I am where I should be in my life. I don't look the way I want to look. I have made choices and taken positions I know not everyone agrees with and it makes me feel, and part of this whole thing is about not feeling.
There is a lot of fear, too, because I am afraid that when I unpack that big old cedar chest of feelings, they are going to come out in one big jumbled mess. No moth holes, no faded shades(cedar is a miracle). These will be fully-formed, brightly-colored feelings of intensity. That intensity has worked against me in the past, which is why it all got tumbled away. And I feel very divided about whether or not I pull it all out and deal with all the overwhelming feelingness of it or I keep it locked up, pulling out a scrap here and there when I need to call Scott Pruitt at the EPA and tell him that the climate is a cockadoody* disaster and he needs to get his head out of his keister* and learn about the effect of carbon dioxide on everything, including--I believe--the number of brain cells in his coal-addled noggin, but I digress.
On the other hand, what is wrong with presenting the world with the best of yourself? I am a glass half-full person by nature. Maybe my cheerful, easygoing self isn't the brightest coat of many colors, but it's got a certain je ne sais quoi. We all look better in soft lighting, right?
There is no ending to this tale. It will be the story of the rest of my life. Sometimes I will try unpacking my feelings and it will probably go badly because they don't see the light of day very often, so try not to judge me too harshly. Sometimes, I will be cheerful when no one else is. Consider it part of my charm. Please know that I love all of my friends and I accept you for who you are and that is the truth, no faking there.
Sending you good wishes and good feelings, because that's what I do.
Love,
Corks
*Lenten bad words
I've missed you guys as I've been working through all the steps of grief over the election and subsequent
This has been a whole lot of year for me. I left a job I loved for a new job I love. My children grew. We added a puppy to our lives and all kinds of life things happened that happen to all of us. We had good luck and bad luck and happy days and sad days. It's been a growth year, though. I learned some things, like sometimes I put on a happy face when I don't feel super happy and I stuff my unhappy thoughts way down deep so I don't have to deal with them and I show the happy side. To put it succinctly, I'm a feelingsstuffer.
I was listening to a story on the radio ( http://www.radiolab.org/story/lu-vs-soo/ ) about two women who were traveling across country and one of them was a "live and let live," non-confrontational, mellow kind of person--the way many people seem to see me. The other one might be called a truth-teller. She let her feelings be known and she had high expectations of people and she told them when their actions didn't meet her expectations. The one who was more truthful was presented in a negative light because people didn't always want to hear her truths, or agree with them. However, the laid-back woman really admired her, because she felt like it was more honest and more hopeful to tell people when they fail you, because it gives them a chance to improve themselves. Listening to it, I was reminded how God(or the Universe or whatever you believe)gives you opportunities to examine your issues objectively by letting you see them from the outside in. I really commiserated with the woman who just let things happen because she didn't want to cause a ruckus or upset anyone or ruffle feathers. Believe me, I know it's the easiest way to get through life, but it doesn't always feel honest.
I used to do things differently. I used to be angry and abrasive and oh, so right about everything. I still get that way when I am feeling indignant, or that I have the moral high ground. But everything else, I have stopped arguing over. Retail is a big culprit. People do not want to buy things from people who want to argue with them about everything. Being the mother of five is part of it, because when you live in a house with 7 people, one more argument could be the tipping point to riot. Getting older is part of it, because I have mellowed a little and I am more introspective. But I am afraid that a diminished self-confidence is part of it, too. I don't feel like I am where I should be in my life. I don't look the way I want to look. I have made choices and taken positions I know not everyone agrees with and it makes me feel, and part of this whole thing is about not feeling.
There is a lot of fear, too, because I am afraid that when I unpack that big old cedar chest of feelings, they are going to come out in one big jumbled mess. No moth holes, no faded shades(cedar is a miracle). These will be fully-formed, brightly-colored feelings of intensity. That intensity has worked against me in the past, which is why it all got tumbled away. And I feel very divided about whether or not I pull it all out and deal with all the overwhelming feelingness of it or I keep it locked up, pulling out a scrap here and there when I need to call Scott Pruitt at the EPA and tell him that the climate is a cockadoody* disaster and he needs to get his head out of his keister* and learn about the effect of carbon dioxide on everything, including--I believe--the number of brain cells in his coal-addled noggin, but I digress.
On the other hand, what is wrong with presenting the world with the best of yourself? I am a glass half-full person by nature. Maybe my cheerful, easygoing self isn't the brightest coat of many colors, but it's got a certain je ne sais quoi. We all look better in soft lighting, right?
There is no ending to this tale. It will be the story of the rest of my life. Sometimes I will try unpacking my feelings and it will probably go badly because they don't see the light of day very often, so try not to judge me too harshly. Sometimes, I will be cheerful when no one else is. Consider it part of my charm. Please know that I love all of my friends and I accept you for who you are and that is the truth, no faking there.
Sending you good wishes and good feelings, because that's what I do.
Love,
Corks
*Lenten bad words
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